Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of position. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have An additional area where American Gentlemen can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: present everyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly soft power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should halt making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You realize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from House, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Capabilities

Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Community Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Come"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it'd stabilize the region"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The venture is now attracting attention from international traders, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount can even include:

A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down service."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."